Denial, among its many definitions, is to refuse to admit the truth or psychologically speaking to deny the existence of a problem as a way to cope. In the initial stages of the grief process denial is necessary for self preservation. However, remaining in denial is detrimental. It doesn't allow for growth and change to take place. Lately, I've been asking myself if that is where I am or have been. I have no problem talking to strangers about PCOS or IF. But when it comes to my immediate family, aside from hubby, I feel a strong internal resistance. Particularly with my parents and sisters. It's like I don't want them to 'really' know what is going on. They do know, I have shared with them what I am doing and what our plans are and I appreciate their unwavering support. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that this began when I had my consult a month ago. Before that I shared with other not so close family members and it was nice to be able to speak about it. I've just found that if you are open with people from the beginning about something that may involve them it makes it easier. And since we share holidays and birthdays with family members it just made sense to me.
I was/am taken aback by the resistance, the internal kicking and screaming. Because telling my father particularly, meant that I really do have a problem. My body, it doesn't work right. Telling the people I love most means I have to grieve. I am cautiously optimistic about our possibilities and I pray daily about it. But in the quiet of the night, when I am alone, I push it away. So in order to emotionally cope I am choosing to not deny my true feelings in order to move forward and experience true peace. I choose to admit that:
- I really am sad that I cannot 'just' have a baby
- It may never happen, even though I'm not even near that stage
Honesty, I need to be honest with myself. Do any of you find that difficult?
15 comments:
Yes, I do find being honest with myself difficult. I think I've really only just begun to accept the fact that I really do have the disease I was diagnosed with.
Telling friends/family is always hard for me and I usually end up in tears or close to it. It's hard to admit there's something wrong with our bodies. But, we didn't do anything to cause it so really it's nothing to be ashamed of. Good luck!
Yes, it was hard for me to admit and accept. My cycles were all screwed up (I also have PCOS), but I insisted that we just wait it out or "keep trying". Finally when I was ready to admit that something was wrong, I focused on my dh and not on myself. I convinced him to have a semen analysis done. The urologist said I should have been pregnant ten times over by now with his sperm count. He seriously said that. That was finally did it for me. I couldn't deny that there was a problem and I couldn't avoid admitting that the problem was with me.
I'm sorry you're having a tough time to accept IF. It's just a hard road to go down, and it's definitely difficult to accept that sometimes pregnancy doesn't just happen. IF sucks, period. *hugs* Here from ICLW.
I, too, find that denial is often my first impulse. I think I always will struggle with that.
I did things both ways. I told family and friends that I was doing IVF. Then I had to tell them all I m/c'ed twice. The last cycle, I told no one--and no one asked. We did ultimately get pg from that cycle and I still held out. I don't know why, I just did.
I don't think there is much about IF that is easy, though. I am sorry you are going through it, too. Good luck to you.
ICLW
I have found that to be an issue. My hardest moment of being honest with myself was when I hit rock bottom with depression in the midst of our multiple losses. It was so very hard to admit to myself that I needed help.
ICLW
I struggle with that often.
I can get angry, I'm great with denial, I bargain, I get depressed... but that acceptance stage, thus far, stays beyond my grasp.
Wishing you peace.
ICLW
YES YES YES...It took me a while to go to a RE or then move to drugs for assistance because I was afraid it wouldn't work and then where would I go? I was afraid to admit there was a problem and now I regret it because I am not getting any younger. Oh well we all do what we have to do. It gets us through right? Hange in there.
Just last week I told DH that I wanted to quit our IVF cycle. It was all just feeling way too final. IVF is it, the end of the road and I was having a very hard time with it. Sometimes I can talk about it with people and sometimes I can't. The reason I think family is hard is that they give out ridiculous advice.
Good luck!
Extremely difficult. I don't know that it will ever be easy. Telling strangers is easy, telling family/friends... well, it's just not. Good luck with telling people, and will stepping out of denial.
Here from IComLeavWe... (adoption,pregnancy loss, IVF twins)
My Little Drummer Boys
I have no advice but I can pray too..
Dear Lord, Please give your daughter “peace” at this time. Cover her in your hedge of protection and give her the ability to be honest with herself and be able to share with her family so they can support her and understand.
Fill her with your strength so that she may get through each day, knowing You are there with her every step of the way. I pray for her comfort in knowing You are in control. Amen.
I still find it hard to be honest with my family about infertility.
As awful as it sounds I almost wanted the issue to be with DH, not so that he would have the pain/upset/etc. but because I wouldn't have to admit that the problem was me.
Best of Luck on your journey!
I believe that denial is something we all live with - to some extent. It's always easier to help someone else, be honest with someone else, grieve for someone else... I think denial is one of those layers of defense we have to learn to actively turn off before we can heal emotionally from the battles we face.
iclw
Honesty is very very difficult. I think many of us, including myself, refuse to truly admit that we may never have childrens. To do that, would mean giving up in a sense...I dont know. I do know that our lives are forever changed with IF and that it takes a while, years even, and maybe even never, to get used to the fact.
I definitely had a problem with it. While I hated being "unexplained", when we started seeing a few things that might be suspicious, I didn't want to talk about it, cuz that meant admitting that it might be me, and that was just like a total blow that I could be to blame. I've since gotten past that mostly, but I still find days when I just don't want to talk about it IRL - it's just exhausting always being so "aware" how f*d things are...
interesting post. I would agree that it is often much harder to be as open with close friends and family than it is with others. After all, close family are likely to be the ones that will ask the most difficult and probing questions, all because they love and care and want to help.
Post a Comment