I went to the dr. this morning. I had my follow-up visit after 3 cycles of cl.o.m.i.d. I arrived very early because I confused the time of my appointment. So I got to sit there reading a magazine and watching all the pregnant women come in with their husbands. Usually when I go in I don't see any. However, today it was a reminder of what I long for but am having trouble obtaining. I sat with the dr. and she explained that I'm going to need something stronger. She wrote a script for the HSG and told me that unless hubby gets his SA no one will treat us. I get one more cycle on those meds before my referral to an RE with the results of all my tests. She's a nice lady and appears understanding. But it took all I had within me to not breakdown while the nurse was giving me all of the information I needed. I called hubby at work, which I am only supposed to do if there is an emergency, as soon as I got out. Lately, I've had times of pure sadness. I can count the times in the last several years in which I cried the way I have in the past few weeks. That deep penetrating sadness that almost takes your breath away is what I have. And I do have my faith, and I do have hope, but the overwhelming feeling that I am allowing myself to experience is sadness.
I always knew somehow that I would have trouble conceiving. It's just that it's one thing to think and another to actually know. What the dr. said this morning confirmed what I have been thinking. So now I get to wait some more, pray some more, and hope that we find something that works. I can understand Hannah's prayer and pain more vividly than I ever cared to (1Sam1:10-15).
18 comments:
Sorry your clomid cycles haven't worked out. I'm sorry that it's such a disappointment for you to have to move on to an RE, it would have been nice to not have to take that step. But, I think your HSG and the SA are a very, very good move. It'd be terrible to continue on longer and find out there was a problem with one of those later. Hopefully if you move on to an RE you'll find a good one that gives you the attention you deserve to make this infertility as short as possible.
I'm so sorry. I think all of us suffering IF can relate, we all have those dark days of sadness. I will be thinking of you and hope that things get a little brighter.
~Michelle (ICLW)
I know that many of us reading your blog will echo your thoughts and what you have been going through. There are so many emotions that accompany IF. Know that there will be better days--and at least you are taking this on and not running away from it! Hang in there. (ICLW)
(((Hugs)))
Infertility is such a rough road. You're not alone, though. We've all felt that way about the unknown. You haven't posted in a few weeks. I hope you're enjoying the summer weather. Feel free to drop me a line if you need a shoulder.
I can 100% feel your pain right now. We did a clomid cycle in April, and it messed my hormones up to the point that it took until this month to get me back regulated.
My husband did his SA, and his motility raiting was bad... so we're having to go through a month of him putting a bag of frozen peas on his "boys" for 30 minutes a night. Then after a month - he'll test again.
From there - once he gets cleared - we'll be doing Gonal-F injections and an IUI.
I'm so glad you found me through ICLW... sounds like we could be going down the same road at the same time.
I am so sorry things haven't worked out for you so far. {{{Hugs}}} and prayers that you can find a way to advance.
~ICLW
This road isn't an easy one, that's for sure. Sending prayers that you will get the answers you seek soon.
~ICLW
Hopefully an RE will give you more comfort and hope. They know a lot more than 'regular' docs and obg's. I've become pretty frustrated with my obg since she only seems to know how to deal with 'perfect' pregnancies and won't take a position on any complex issue probably for fear of a lawsuit. Good luck with next steps.
Happy iclw
So sorry. That appointment was devastating for me too. I did get some answers and a new and improved plan after them though. Good luck. ICLW
sorry that you are in this place, it is not where any of us want to be. at least you are getting some answers so that you can move forward.
ILCW
You need to find an RE and get out of that OB's office. I did four cycles of Clomid and I swear it made me LESS fertile. I'm so sorry you had to watch all those PG women parading by. :(
ICLW
I can totally relate to that deep down sadness, even amidst the hope I have in God. There is a grieving and sorrow to all this infertility. ((Hugs))
ICLW
Hugs. We all have to find ways of dealing with this super reproductive world!
ICLW
awww. I am sorry!! {{HUGS}} That is hard. I am wishing you lots of luck.
I am here from ICLW.
www.ttc-wildride.blogspot.com
Hoping that you get some answers soon.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this overwhelming sadness. It's truly unfair. I'll be praying for you and for your troubles to be gone. Sending you lots of peace.
*HUGS/ICLW*
This post totally breaks my heart. I am so sorry you've been having such a hard time lately. Please know that you are not alone. I hope that you won't have to meet with an RE, and that one more cycle on clomid is all you need. But if it's not, we'll be here to support you.
(((HUGS)))
iclw
Sorry you're having such a rough time emotionally right now.
Wishing you all the best.
*ICLW*
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