Babies, IVF stories, and the great unknown

For the past several weeks I've had blog ideas rolling around in my head. What I have lacked is the motivation to sit down and write them. I think this is partially due to the fact that as the days go by the more real my situation is to me. I've always been a bit complicated, holding contrasting emotions within that cause a struggle, an internal tug-of-war. This struggle has intensified in the last few weeks. I'm trying to push it aside and keep my focus on what is 'now' but that is becoming more difficult.

A few weeks ago a woman at church shared her testimony. It was beautiful and moving. She spoke of always wanting to be a mother. She became a teacher to be around children and when she reached her mid thirties she married that man she was dating because her clock was ticking. This brought her heartache and pain, the marriage eventually dissolved and the local church picked her up and helped her put all the pieces of her life back together. Through the reconstruction process she met a wonderful man who later became her husband. So there she was having finally found enduring love and they wanted to have children. At this point she was in her forties. They had natural miscarriages, miscarriages after IVF, and a donor who disappeared last minute. That's when they decided that their journey for children was done. She described her pain and the grace, peace, and fullness she was experienced throughout the process. Her whole desire was to be a mom. I know several women who share this intense desire. I, however, walk the line. The line between desiring to be a mother and remaining the way I am. Complicated, I know. I always knew somehow that I would have trouble having children. I just never expected to have to try on purpose. I felt that it was one thing to conceive naturally and another to actually pursue conception. Which in my complicated world is scary. It means there is a possibility for failure, heartache, and pain. And while I know that children are worth that struggle, I am holding back the emotions just in case it doesn't happen. Because today if the Lord wills that we not have children then I will be ok. But if the dam breaks open I don't know what the other side looks like.

My sister had a baby this past week. She because pregnant after trying for one month. While her pregnancy was far from comfortable and uncomplicated, it was fairly 'normal'. She wanted desperately to be a mother. So she tried and then became one. Just like that. I was present at the birth, filled with emotion when that beautiful little girl was born, and struck by the enormity of what had just occurred. My sister has a baby. That still blows my mind. Her life has just changed. I like change, that kind of change, but it's still scary.

So here I am. Two examples within the last few weeks. Indecision seems to be my friend because it sticks around. I do want a family, I just have...I don't know. Meanwhile, I continue to take my met and wait to see what happens. What do you think?